Overcoming Loneliness

Institute for Christian Culture Laying the Foundation for the Next Reformation
Brian Abshire"Dr. B" has served as a Biblical counselor, lecturer in theology, youth, singles, young married and senior pastor. He is currently the Teaching Elder at Highlands Reformed Church, (Hanover Presbytery, Reformed Presbyterian Church). Article is abridged.

Loneliness can be defined as the feeling that we are destitute of sympathetic or friendly relationships. Since as we have seen, relationships are central to our well being (Gen 2:18 God Jn 17:3), it hurts to feel lonely. Now, we might be feeling lonely because of our situation; for any number of reasons, at any given point of time, we may not have people around us with whom we are close. For example college students moving away from home for the first time, or a family taking a job transfer to a new community might well feel lonely for a while until they form new friendships. In both cases, the loneliness will pass as people just go about their normal business, meet new people and form new relationships.

Well, frankly speaking, when we suffer from long term loneliness, we ought to first look at ourselves, rather than blame the problem on others. Blaming others is as old as Adam in the Garden who blamed both his wife and God for his sin in eating from the forbidden tree. In the modern world’s flee from responsibility, many psychotherapists have raised the issue of shifting the blame to a sacrament. Any one and any thing is held responsible for our problems, but never our own attitudes or actions.

The Biblical reality though is that sin separates us from God and others (Psa 66:18) and therefore if people experience a chronic lack of intimate, caring relationships, the reason might be because they are sinfully relating to God or others. There are a great number of ways that Christians sin against one another which can break relationships or prevent them from ever growing, resulting in loneliness. For example, they might have guilt over unresolved some sin. If you have sinned against someone, even though you might rationalize or attempt to justify it, you will experience true moral guilt as the Holy Spirit brings conviction into your life. If you harden your heart against this conviction, then you are not at peace with God, or your brother.

On the other hand, many Christians have a selfish rather than a selfless orientation. The world must revolve around their goals, expectations and feelings. When other people do not cater to their selfishness, such people can respond with anger and frustration, making intimate relationships impossible.

Some Christians have a competitive rather than cooperative spirit so every relationship is turned into a contest. Many Christians do not know how to deal with angry feelings and destroy relationships by the disastrous way they handle conflicts (this alone is so common we have dedicated an entire chapter to it).

Some people distrust other’s intentions. They think people are out to use or abuse them and so keep them at arm’s length. Some Christians have developed such a “thin skin” filled with defensive behavior in order to avoid being hurt that no one can ever get close to them.